day: twenty eight

I am a lonely and tired and bored person. I didn't enjoy today (I don't enjoy any day but I'm feeling a tad more depressed today). The only time I actually smiled and had fun was whenever I was in an air conditioned place. Oh I live such a sad sad life.

Tutor was okay, probably because we had tests. At least I got some fish and chips and potato cakes and a huge slurpee today. I really hate putting the caps on them. It's impossible: you get one edge pushed in and the other one slips out again.

Now here shall be my first ever emotional rant:
Why am I so different? I know everyone's unique and we should all embrace it but how am I supposed to feel like a decent human when I'm treated like the other one? Like I'm some piece of meat that'll annoy you? I'm always treated like that wherever I go. Nobody likes me. Might as well get finally used to being eternally alone. But then it makes me remember the other times I 'went with the main group' and they were being really mean to them. They were actually entirely alone. Nobody to rely on. Nobody to call friend. I mean, they were all annoying but I now think that it might be their desperate attempt to feel like they belong to the human race. Like it's life or death. I can now see why. I feel like such a dick when I look back. But what could I have done? It's not like I could afford to give everything away for someone I didn't truly like. And that's what I believe will happen to me now. Nobody will be bothered to light the candle in my dim life. I think it's about time I let go of my half-assed friends who couldn't give a shit whether I got so hurt to actually consider ending everything but instead just gave me the false hope that we were still friends because you're sorry for how deprived I am. I remember how I gave you my all and secretly vow to stay by your side forever. You said it was false hope. It wasn't. But for me, it was. You are a liar. You all are. You all broke me in every way possible. And when I complain, you step further away like I'm some stranger and you all make it look like my fault. You should remember that I loved you. You didn't give a shit to realize.

And now for the most depressing morals of today:
• Air conditioning = happiness
• Food and slurpee = happiness
• friends = temporary artificial happiness

P.S. I hope you get hurt as much as I did, then I'll have the luxury of not helping and seeing how you cope before you lose it.